My not good health helps me to not feel too much lonely recently

Because it automatically makes me think, I should focus on feel relax, peace 

More than feel anxiety and worry 

Because I cannot have those things that much anymore 

Since I would have the breath problems suddenly or be like a panic 

Or just my heart is not good

I don't know what happening in my body very well

But I feel it is not like before's 

And want to avoid everything which would makes my heart feels bad 

I really cannot be normal when I feel those 

Cannot breath, cannot swallow water, even the spits 

It is just a scary feelings 

Sometimes happens to me and it scares me still 

Because it's very scary when I don't know how to swallow the spits 

And what it is 

Like something choking my neck 

But there is still nose 

Noseholes 

I can breath from there 

Sometimes forget about it 

So I would get a panic when I cannot breath and swallow the spits very well 

I need to be calm and help myself

Because there is only me who can help it 

Involved with a human makes those happens a lot 

So it is also my problem that I cannot involved with somebody so easily 

Just read their words makes me like that 

Very stressful thing for me 

I cannot have any person who I can feel peace in me 

Nobody helped me to feel those and made my anxiety a lot in the end 

When I am sleeping, I don't have to feel those 

So want to keep sleeping if I can 

But I cannot 

(´・ω・｀) I hate my body